Thoughts at the end of a decade

I have always been sceptical about setting goals on a seemingly arbitrary date such as January first. I like to imagine that I am the sort of person who sets targets when they need to be set, but I can understand the appeal of setting new years resolutions. I guess it lets you put off having to actually take action for a little longer. 

Historically, I have not set any resolutions at all. Last year, I was in such a dark place that I couldn't resolve to do much of anything. I couldn't see myself lasting more than a couple of weeks so it seemed stupid to set any long term goals. I was in what I have come to term 'survival mode' (a term I borrow from my friend, Jack) and I was living day to day and just trying to make it through.

I have also set unrealistic and unhealthy goals, such as losing 3 dress sizes in 6 months or maintaining grades above 90% throughout my A levels. These resolutions lead me to justify harmful habits and hating myself for being unable to reach impossible targets. There is a part of me that still wants to set goals like this. There's a niggling thought that I would like to be working towards reducing my dosage of sertraline by the end of the year, but I have come to learn that setting myself a challenge such as this will only lead to me putting to much pressure on myself and crumbling. I know that I'd be better off in the long term if I changed the way I thought about the fact that I rely on medication- I guess there will be a post on that coming up soon.

This year, I am concerned that I will fall into the same traps that I have in the past and that I will set myself up for failure. I have decided to preface all of my resolutions with "I will try to". For me, this takes off a little bit of the pressure and if I relapse or can't maintain these habits it won't be as much of a failure. If I have done my best to prevent that from happening, it will be good enough

That being said, I do think that it might be a good opportunity to publicly declare how I will be prioritising my mental and physical health in the year to come, and now the internet can hold me accountable. The majority of them concern habits that I have managed to keep up in the past but I have not made them enough of a priority. 

1- I need to sort out my sleep schedule. During the autumn term, I let myself fall into bad habits and the lack of routine messes with me. I will try to sleep from 12-8 on weekdays and not to sleep in after 10 on weekends. If I am still struggling with insomnia by the end of Spring term I will seek help for it. 

2- Your gal needs to drink more water. I will try to drink 1L with my pills in the morning and drink another litre throughout the day. 

3- I resolve to try to spend one hour a week working on my mental health. I think this will help to sustain and maintain my recovery. This could be in therapy (I should be starting another course of CBT soon), doing homework for therapy, blogging (public or private posts), talking through things with friends or using self-help resources. This can include meditation and yoga, but not other forms of exercise. I need to consciously make time to "check-in with myself" (*cringes*) and take action to address any problems I'm having. 

4-  I want to read more for fun. I'm not setting a specific number of books I would like to read but I think 30min before bed instead of staring at a screen will do me a lot of good. 

5- With regards to exercise, I want to build my fitness and push myself further. But instead of setting fitness or weight-related resolutions, I want to try to pay more attention to how my body feels when I exercise and avoid pushing myself too far. 

6- I would like to try and get back into the habit of eating breakfast every day- even if it's just a banana. 

7- It would be cool if I could be less of a dick to myself really. I have spent so many years putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on myself as a result of an almost pathological level of perfectionism- I resolve to make an attempt to stop comparing myself to others and accept that my best is good enough. 

I guess I've not really been able to come to a solid conclusion, but I would just like to remind everyone that new years' resolutions don't have to be like extreme items on a bucket list. They do not have to be dramatic life changes! There's nothing wrong with being ambitious, but take care not to go "full Icarus". Remember that you're human, not a perfect automaton- you're allowed to fuck up sometimes. 

I hope 2020 is kind to you all. Happy new year!