"Recovery became a real possibility"

MASSIVE CONTENT WARNINGS- Mental health, disordered eating, suicide, self-harm (although I promise this is hopeful!)

When I saw that #2019in5words was trending on twitter,  my mind instantly jumped to "totally fucked up dumpster fire", "the government let us down" or, as our benevolent overlord Greta Thunberg put it so eloquently "our house is on fire". However, in a somewhat uncharacteristic turn of events, I decided to be a little more positive about it. 

2019 has been a year in which I feel I have finally started to fix some of the issues that have been ruining my life since before I even hit my teens. The year did not start at all well, on new years day 2019 I self-harmed, purged and almost attempted suicide. It resulted in a close friend having to contact my Mother as she was seriously concerned about my safety and wellbeing. In hindsight, I really ought to have been in hospital and it's terrifying looking back at how close I came to putting my plans into action. The slow slog uphill from one of my lowest days has been arduous but over the last 363 (?? ish) days I can honestly say that I have come a million miles away from that point. 

The last time I purged was the 1/2/2019 and making it to 12 months is now starting to feel like an attainable goal. Cliche as it sounds, recovering from bulimia, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. There has been a lot of blood, sweat and tears (but a distinct lack of vomit...) but I no longer live in fear of relapse. I have finally managed to reach a point where I no longer live in constant fear of weight gain and losing control of my body. I think I might just about be ready to take a mallet to my scales and aim to be free from them long term. I still have 'disordered thoughts' and dysmorphia but I'm able to recognise them and prevent them from consuming me entirely

I wish I could tell you how I did it but in, truth, I just don't know. There will probably be a post at some point explaining how and why my disordered eating and general mental malaise came about, but for now, I intend to focus on how I'm learning to live with it. Medication has been a critical part of my recovery, although I am sure you will get a future post about my misadventures during my first few months on psychotropic meds and my feelings about them, in my case at least my mental ill health was partially a chemical issue. Sertraline has definitely saved my life and I've been fortunate enough to have had some amazing GPs who have recognised my problems and have helped me solve them (god I love the NHS). My friends have also been a huge HUGE part of me surviving the early months of this year- I honestly don't deserve them. They have been there to listen, encourage me to seek professional support, confiscate scales and ensure that I have been safe when I have been engulfed by dark thoughts. I could not possibly thank them enough. And finally, therapy. Yes, the dreaded T-word. There is still nothing I despise more than feeling vulnerable but CBT, counselling through the University I attend and bereavement counselling from the astoundingly brilliant Cruse have enabled me to starts untangling things and start to make sense of it all. Without all of these factors, I certainly would not be in the position I am in now, I might not have even been alive, but I am now able to see how things could continue to improve. 

Thus, in response to twitter's request to summarise my year in a mear 5 words, I retort "recovery became a real possibility". I'm not quite there yet, I may still be dependent on sertraline for years to come, but I am now able to see a future for my self in which I am not mentally ill- and compared to how I felt a year ago that's fucking amazing.